to forgive

“how often must I forgive?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered,
“I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.

We all struggle to forgive those who have hurt us. Sometimes the hurt is recent, but we can also carry resentment and hate for years and even for decades.

My lack of forgiveness rarely affects the one who has caused my pain, but it has a huge negative effect on me emotionally, physically, psychologically and therefore spiritually. Often is is my awareness of how I am persecuting and punishing myself when I fail to forgive that shakes me awake to my need and desire to forgive.

Often the reason we struggle to forgive is that we misunderstand what Jesus means by forgiveness. We make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness is a feeling. It is not. Forgiveness is a decision of the will. This decision begins the process of forgiveness and healing. The feeling of forgiveness will follow.

To emphasise this again: Forgiveness is a decision, the feeling will unfold over time.

Sometimes the one we struggle to forgive has been dead for many years and we can feel as if we have missed our chance to forgive. It is important to know that because forgiveness is our decision, and we have the power to make that decision, a conversation with the person who hurt us, while sometimes helpful, is not always necessary.

All we need to do is to realise that we no longer want to carry the burden of resentment or hate, and then make the decision to forgive.

Many years ago I learnt from Ignatius of Loyola to pray with my deepest desire.

To paraphrase Ignatius’ teaching and relate it to forgiveness: if you are struggling to forgive, then pray for the desire to forgive.

If you can’t yet pray for the desire to forgive, then pray for the desire for the desire to forgive.

If you can’t do this, then pray for the desire for the desire for the desire to forgive.

You are probably smiling now as I am. This humour when facing our need to forgive is very helpful. The humour shifts our focus from our own inability to forgive to the willingness of God to give us the gift of forgiveness. It is God who enables us to find freedom through forgiveness of those who have hurt us.

The wonderful reality is that when we pray this prayer for the desire for the desire,… at some point in the prayer we can pray whole-heartedly.

We may not want to pray for the desire to forgive because perhaps we think the other does not deserve our forgiveness. But we might be able to pray for the desire for the desire.

We forget that forgiveness is not a human achievement. The ability to forgive others is the gift of God who had already forgiven us. When we find the words that we can wholeheartedly pray (even with conditions) the Holy Spirit will not miss the opportunity to begin the healing.

What have you got to lose?

An invitation:

  • Take a moment now to call to mind someone you find it difficult to forgive. Don’t worry about who was right or who was wrong, simply begin to pray for the desire (for the desire for the desire…) to forgive. 
  • Make a decision to forgive, and repeat in prayer over the next day: “_____ (name the person you need to forgive), I have already forgiven you.  ____ I have already forgiven you.  ____ I have already forgiven you.”
  • And you might take time today to pray this prayer for those who are most suffering the effects of COVID-19

Prayer for a Pandemic
by Cameron Wiggins Bellm

May we who are merely inconvenienced,
remember those whose lives are at stake.
May we who have no risk factors
remember those most vulnerable.
May those who have the luxury of working from home
remember those who must choose
between preserving their health or making their rent.
May those who have the flexibility
to care for our children when schools close
remember those who have no options.
May we who have to cancel trip
remember those who have no safe place to go.
May we who are losing our margin money
in the tumult of the economic market
remember those who have no margin at all.
May those who settle for quarantine at home
remember those who have no home.
As fear grips our country,
let us choose love during this time
when we cannot physically wrap our arms around each other,
let us find ways to be the loving embrace to God and our neighbour.
Amen.

17 Responses to "to forgive"
  1. We could learn a lot from the Muslim faith, how forgiving they are. I am Catholic but didn’t know anything about their faith until the recent horrific events. I approached two beautiful young Muslim men inside a petrol station opposite the Linwood Mosque and said I was sorry for their loss and said all my love to you. They were most gracious, thanked me smiling and both put their hands to their hearts. They were dressed head to toe in their formal attire. I have learnt how loving, forgiving and generous they are as a strong people of faith.

  2. Forgiveness is a journey to freedom. Freedom from being stuck to the someone who has caused great hurt in our lives.
    I can be better not bitter and learn love just from the desire to forgive. Also to remember Jesus on the cross with His words ‘Father forgive them. They know not what they do’. So true!
    Thank you Fr John for this email today. The many comments this morning demonstrate such a need in us all to forgive.

  3. Forgiveness is so important as it sets us free. I love the “Prayer for a Pandemic” because it by praying it we remember those who are less fortunate. I will share your commentary with my friends on Facebook – I hope it will help someone who is worried.

  4. Forgive us (me) our (my) trespasses… very easily and quickly reminds me where the fount of Mercy comes from and makes the decision to forgive not such a formidable task.

  5. I was helped by a teacher who pointed out the saying “forget and forgive” is not helpful. Often our hurt cannot be forgotten. It is real. However, as you outline, I can still decide to forgive. Or let God forgive.

  6. Pray for the desire to desire to forgive …a desire to freedom. Thank you for the beautiful reflection to choose to forgive and will to forgive .

  7. I have first hand experience of putting a person out of mind at 9 years old because of a nasty trap that was set for me, which I simply didn’t know how to handle. I got the blame for something I hadn’t done and I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t respond. It was so difficult that I discarded a book of a Saint with the same name of my attacker.
    Some 30 years later that Saint caught up with me at a healing service by appearing to one of the healing team. I was there advocating for someone else but mysteriously found myself being ministered to.
    Another 25 years later, at a funeral, my attacker approached me and gave me a hug. I hadn’t seen her since the day of the nasty trap but there was peace.

  8. i thank God for the gift of forgiveness, forgiveness it is a gift , how can we expect forgiveness from God that we ourselves cannot forgive those who have cause us pain,God have ask us to forgive if we cannot forgive we will not be forgiven it’s a straight deal with god forgive and i will forgive you. today we pray for all those that cannot forgive.that God will touch there heart to turn there hearts of stone into flesh, the grace of God any thing is possible

  9. Thank you so much for attaching the beautiful prayer for the pandemic. Our daughter, husband and beautiful grandchildren were to have arrived home in N Z today for a short holiday from UK after months of planning- they couldn’t come of course – but they do have a home and work. Our son in France with a wife and 3 children are confined to their flat/ no school open and his small business closed down because of Covid 19 but they too have a roof over their heads and food to eat. They gave all their remaining cartons of milk from their coffee shop to the nuns round the corner. The Lord will look after them all.

  10. Thank you so much for attaching the beautiful prayer for the pandemic. Our daughter, husband and beautiful grandchildren were to have arrived home in N Z today for a short holiday from UK after months of planning- they couldn’t come of course – but they do have a home and work. Our son in France with a wife and 3 children are confined to their flat/ no school open and his small business closed down because of Covid 19 but they too have a roof over their heads and food to eat. They gave all their remaining cartons of milk from their coffee shop to the nuns round the corner. The Lord will look after them all.

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